Asshole Part 2: Tailgating.

Ever have that inflamed hemorrhoid driving their car up your ass for no reason at all? Hate them as much as I do? Do something about it!

Method 1: Avoid reasons to be tailgated. This tactic is the easiest to master, especially once you realize why people tailgate. It comes down to A) Ignorance, B) Stupidity and C) Anger. They are all fairly easy to distinguish. Ignoramuses will more than likely be attached to their cell phones and not paying attention to traffic. It’s easier to talk and text while driving if you have a conveniently close point of reference. Stupid people will just cruise a lane, coming almost bumper to bumper with the person in front of them until they move on to the next victim for whatever reason. Repeated acts of ignorance make you stupid, especially when you have to jam your brakes on several times to avoid an accident and you still haven’t gotten the hint. The third can be caused by anything, but is the easiest to avoid. Just don’t drive in a manner that would piss someone else on the road off. They want to drive really close to scare you, or just to let you know how much you suck. So, if you’re paying attention, driving in the appropriate lane and not being a jerkoff, you can pretty much rest assured it’s not YOUR fault you have some retard clinging to the back of your car.

Method 2. Assuming you are in a situation that you can’t easily resolve by the above techniques (move over if you’re in the left lane and faster traffic is approaching, give cell phone talkers and idiots a wide berth etc…) and you need to get someone off your ass, NEVER brake check. Why would you purposely put yourself and others at a greater risk of being involved in a wreck? Also, if the person DOES back off you can bet it will only be temporary as you’ve pissed them off and they are now looking for revenge. A passive-aggressive technique works best when properly applied: slow down quick enough to get their attention but smoothly and safely. Brake lights will alert them to the fact you are interacting with them, so just let off the accelerator or even use engine braking to bleed off 10 or 20 mph. If they haven’t gotten the hint after a few seconds they probably aren’t going to. Which brings us to…

Method 3. This asshole has no reason to be tailgating you. You gave them a fair warning. What’s left?  There are little ways to let someone know you don’t appreciate their fascination with the back bumper of your car. You can probably bet at freeway speed that your windshield washers will jet enough cleaner over the top of your car to cause them to pop out of whatever trance they’re in and realize they can slow down or pass you. Some cars equipped with rear nozzles can even concentrate the entire stream at following vehicles with some minor adjustment. You could also put your turn signal on if you’re in the right lane, indicating an exit you want to make without actually doing so. Often the flashing light will serve it’s purpose and notify the fucker to your aft that you are either brain-dead enough to leave your signal on and they should pass you to avoid having to stare at it or you want them gone. If that fails, you’re really left with no other option than to resort to waving your arm like a crazy person to get their attention and indicating they should pass you already. I don’t recommend this as it requires more involvement than anyone should have to use when they are driving at speed and also you look like a nancy.

Method 4: Last Resort. If all else fails you can bet your butt buddy has some vendetta against you for whatever reason. Doesn’t really matter at this point why, but now they made it YOUR problem. Indicate they should pull over, or just force them off the road if you can, and roll down your window. It may require some coaxing before they will leave their car, but your objective is to get them into your face and as involved with the conflict as possible. Why would you want to do this? So you can provide distraction and maybe get a couple good licks in while your passenger slips out and takes their probably-still-running vehicle. If you managed to grab an errant arm or head during your confrontation with your victim, start driving. Bonus points if their limbs go under your car, and double bonus if your friend hits their body on the way out.

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